pregnant-walkingWE’RE getting bored of being pregnant now. When you’re nine months on the way, you start to wonder if all this would ever end. I heard stories about women who were weeks past their due dates. There’s this story I read about a mother who was so many weeks overdue that when the baby finally came out, she enrolled it immediately in prep school.

When you’re nine months on the way, the most exciting event in life consists of the daily walks around the neighborhood. We’ve become friends with the neighbors this way, because part of this prenatal ritual is to smile at everyone on the street, so people will know you are genuinely happy, when in fact the wife feels so bloated she is beginning to think she’s a newly-discovered planet.

Don’t forget to hold hands, too, and look into each other’s eyes when you pause at the corner to catch your breath. If the weather is good, gush over the clear blue sky, the birds on treetops, and the setting sun, and the neighbors will say, “Oh, what a lovely couple.” If the weather is bad… but why would you want to cozy up to each other in a rainstorm unless you’re Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst?

To fellow expectant fathers out there, be sure to always accompany your wives in these walks. Pregnant women have feet the shape of an elongated squash, which makes walking straight nearly impossible. This is actually the reason you have to hold hands, or the newly-discovered planet starts rolling down the gutter. Besides, you don’t want your wife to be walking up and down the street alone, and leave the neighbors wondering if you don’t have the husband-sensitivity level of a door knob.

Another super exciting event when you’re a nine-month-bored couple is completing the Labor and Delivery Checklist the hospital gave you: toilet paper, check; maternity napkin, check; isopropyl 70 percent alcohol, check: baby bath soap, check; feminine wash, check; disposable tuberculin syringe with needle, check; cotton buds, check; hypoallergenic plaster, check; disposable syringe, check; surgical gloves size 6 1/2, check; suction catheter; check. A checklist is important because pregnant couples have the memory of a cauliflower.

Other more expensive hospitals take care of the list so they can charge you the amount worth your unborn child’s college education. Add a few thousand bucks and these hospitals will organize your baby’s Christening and pay for the legal services for your baby’s first brush with the law at age four.

Husbands, who are persona non grata inside the delivery room but are required to be at the hospital anyway, must make their own checklist too. Old copies of FHM, check; five to ten packs of Marlboro Light, check; 500 hours of heavy metal on iPod, check; location sketch of the nearest beerhouse, check. Those are not zombies roaming the hospital premises at night, it’s us.

I tried in vain to convince the hospital to make an exception of me and allow this poor hopeless romantic husband the chance to witness the charming moment of the wife screaming in pain and wishing me dead for getting her pregnant one unprotected night nine months ago.

Other more expensive hospitals allow the husbands inside the delivery room, for additional fee, of course. Add a few thousand bucks and these hospitals will organize your baby’s Christening and pay for the legal services for your baby’s first brush with the law at age four. Oops, did I say that already? Memory loss!