– If you think this column is about you, you’re so vain.

One advantage of writing a weekly column is that you have an entire week of possible topics to choose from. No sooner had you submitted your article for editing than another incident popped up on the television screen. So you go, “Shouldn’t I have written about the global credit crunch instead of Gabby Concepcion and the revenge of the 80s?”

But this advantage is its own disadvantage, because you are now presented with the enormous task of choosing which one of these issues offers the greatest contribution to the advancement of World Peace. Between global credit crunch and Mr. Concepcion, for example, that’s one tough choice to make.

The past week was a case in point. For a serious columnist like me, it’s a choice between the series of robberies and the spate of killings in the city, all of which have serious consequences to Cebu City’s bid to host the Olympics in 2012.

Failing to make up my mind on the matter, I consulted fellow Sun.Star Cebu editors Max Limpag and Charmaine Rodriguez. “Why not write about glutathione?” they said. “Are you kidding?” I said. “Didn’t I just tell you I’m a serious columnist?” I couldn’t see the point in writing about something that sounds funny, like glutathione.

They said they were not kidding. Glutathione and all other controversial issues hounding the health supplement industry represent all that is wrong in this world, they told me. How do you explain the violence between the main Muslim sects Shiite and Sunni? Glutathione. Myanmar’s refusal to receive foreign aid for its cyclone victims? Glutathione. Or this one: Michael Jackson? Glutathione.

To illustrate her point, Charmaine did a Carly Simon and belted out, “You’re so vain, you probably think….” Okay, I get the point. So, what is glutathione and why is the world pinning hope on it?

A health specialist said glutathione is an amino acid found in every cell of a living organism. It’s considered as the ultimate and master antioxidant known to man because it protects the body from a multitude of diseases and conditions.

You’re losing appetite? Glutathione. You can’t open your left eye? Glutathione. You’re stuck in a low-paying job for life? Glutathione. Your girlfriend dumped you for a dirty old politician? Glutathione.

Confused? Here’s how it works. My health specialist friend said that as we age, our glutathione levels are depleted due to exposure to air pollutants, stress, drugs, smoking, and stupid noontime shows. These exposure damages our cellular systems and our ability to vote wisely during elections. And so glutathione supplement products were born.

Glutathione supplements work by targeting unstable molecules and oxidants which damage the cells in our body. By eliminating these harsh elements, health is revitalized, and the aging process reverses so that you start acting like you’re a teenager again who had just discovered masturbation. And most of all, your skin starts to shine.

It is this skin-whitening element of glutathione that makes it popular among World Peace advocates, aka beauty pageant contestants. It was also this skin-whitening element of glutathione that was behind the formation of One Race, One Ghostly White World, a non-government organization that aims to create global unity by phasing out all colored races from the face of the earth. Its members include models, fashionistas, elitistas, socialites and celebrity dicks.

Its founder? Michael Jackson.

All together now: “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”

(sun.star cebu, may 27, 2008 )