iNSOYMADA » christmas

Vamos, pastores

insoymada — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 09:21:24 +0000

In elementary, I was a member of a children’s choir that performed only during Christmas. We were different from other choral groups in that we didn’t sing the usual Christmas carols. Instead, we performed a number that was almost 30 minutes long, complete with choreography that required a lot of stomping of the feet and prancing around.

The song was like a gozos, only that the stanzas were recited instead of sung. It was a narrative of the first Christmas, and we played the role of shepherds telling each other hey, come on, let’s follow that star and visit this child in a manger. What about the sheep? To hell with the sheep!

“Vamos, vamos, vamos mga pastores / Vamos, vamos, adto ta sa Belen,” went the chorus. “Vamos” is Spanish for “let’s go!”

We were a special caroling group, the most talented kids in school. Our performances were booked weeks before schedule. Wherever we performed, a crowd gathered. Other caroling groups knew better than to cross our path. With our strange Christmas carol, we were a hit in a town that had grown tired of “Silent Night” and “Kasadya.”

The chant-song traced its origins to the Spanish era. One of our teachers learned it from a neighbor whose brother’s friend had a sister whose husband’s grandfather had an uncle who was a great grandchild of an abusive friar who decided to pay for his sins by learning Cebuano and writing Cebuano gozos. Or something like that.

But it wasn’t easy. We had to practice a lot. And we did a lot of memorizing. Ah, the price we paid for stardom!

I don’t know where our choirmaster got the idea that shepherds talk really fast. We chanted each stanza like some possessed goat was chasing us. Try completing this is three seconds: “Ang bitoon sa sidlakan nagatawag kanatong tanan ngadto sa pasungan diin ang batang gamhanan gialirongan ug giyukboan.” Excuse us, Eminem, but we invented bullet-speed rapping.

We later had the hysterical chanting to thank for, because if we had slowed down just a bit, it would take us an hour to finish the whole presentation! Good thing the melodic chorus countered the frantic incantation and allowed us precious time to breathe and regain strength for the next round of exhausting verses. One performance done. Fifty more to go.

As shepherds, we were dressed in black jeans with one leg rolled up to the knee, and plain white shirt. A strip of red cloth was draped over our right shoulder and across the chest. Completing our costume was a buri hat from which little colored balls hang annoyingly. We looked more like Katipuneros joining the Miss Gay Universe pageant than shepherds lured by the Star of Bethlehem.

“Ka-gwapoooo ninyo uy! Sige pa, dance for Jesus!” our stage mothers would shout whenever we showed signs of irritation with the jingle balls. Inspired by this lavish praise, we performed with even more zeal, romping about as fast as our little feet could allow themselves to keep up with our chanting. We looked like headless chickens, somebody commented, quite honestly.

Back in school after the Christmas break, my classmates received free notebooks, pencils, paper and other school supplies. They were the ones who didn’t make it to the singing group.

Inside the greeting cards were written, “Belated Merry Christmas, our dear classmates – From the Pastores.”

( sun.star, december 23, 2008 )

Daygon

insoymada — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 08:40:18 +0000

I love judging choral contests because they are funny. Gone are the days when choir singing was a serious business reserved for the musically gifted. Today, anybody with the musical intelligence of a frog can join a choir for those mandatory daygon contests in schools or the workplace. It is fun, like Christmas should be.

I’m not talking about ‘professional’ singing groups. They are the type that win awards abroad but are seldom recognized at home. They are boring. When singers start forming a perfect ‘O’ with their mouths for that modulated vocal effect, you know they are faking it. Besides, when one starts singing for awards, the element of fun is gone.

I’m talking about amateur choral groups. We are familiar with the experience because a couple of times during our student days we had been asked to join daygon contests. If you’re lucky enough to have escaped the embarrassment in school, there’s little chance you can escape it at the workplace.

There is no set of criteria for joining amateur choral groups other than the guts to stand before a crowd whose business it is to laugh at you the first chance they got. You are twice unlucky if you’re short like me because you have to stay in front. The problem with being a front liner in a choir is that you can’t be sure if the rest of the group hasn’t left you to finish the song alone. And there’s nobody in front to cue you in on what’s next in the choreography. Group singing is cruel to the vertically challenged.

This makes judging choral competitions extremely pleasurable for me. Practically my entire student life – from kindergarten to graduate school – I sang in choirs, and God knows how many times I looked stupid on stage forming that silly ‘O’ with my mouth and doing the polka. Judging choral competitions gives me the chance to do the laughing myself.

Amateur singing groups can’t sing. To hide this basic deficiency, contest organizers require competing groups to execute complicated choreography and don elaborate costume in the hope of diverting the audience’s attention from the foul singing.

But this only gives us, the judges, and the audience more reasons to laugh. When before we only had to watch out for stray notes, we now also have to figure out why on earth this particular group has members wearing kimonos while singing “Kasadya”. And what’s the “papaya” dance routine doing there? There has to be a Christmas significance somewhere.

While daygon contests face a crisis of relevance, street carolers are sticking to the basics. For these boys, caroling is nothing but begging set to yuletide music. If like me you take the jeepney to get around in the city, you might have seen these kids in twos, barging in for the ride when it’s red light.

They have to come in pairs because of the way they interpret Christmas carols. While one sings, the other shouts out the last two syllables of a line for emphasis. Take the Tagalog carol “Pasko Na Naman:”

Boy 1: “Pasko na naman, O kay tulin nang araw…”
Boy 2: “ARAW!”
Boy 1: “Paskong nagdaan tila ba kung kailan lang…”
Boy 2: “LAN LANG!”
Boy 1: “Ngayon ay pasko dapat pasalamatan…”
Boy 2: “MATAN!”
Boy 1: “Ngayon ay pasko tayo ay mag-awitan.”
Boy 2: “WITAN!”

If this were a daygon contest, I’d be laughing my head off. But there’s nothing funny about children in tattered clothes singing in monotone and begging for loose change. And the boys are now in the chorus part: pasko – PAKSIW! – pasko – PAKSIW! – pasko na namang muli!

(SUN.STAR CEBU, Dec. 16)

It’s the police, ho ho ho

insoymada — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:18:29 +0000

The PNP organization has issued a memorandum to all its units nationwide that police officers must don the Santa Claus outfit when on duty, especially when doing raids and patrols. The PNP believes criminals behave like children at the sight of jolly old Santa: instead of running away from the authorities, they run towards them expecting toys rather than warrants of arrest.

Made as basis for the order was a study done by the PNP’s Department of Yuletide Criminal Behavior, an agency so top secret that it doesn’t exist. It says that in the weeks covering the Christmas season, criminals acting like children also act like bulls in their attraction to the color red. The only difference is that unlike that of a bull’s, a criminal’s attraction to red is friendly.

The theory makes sense, considering that red is the official color of Christmas and cows figure prominently in the Nativity Scene. The study – marked “confidential” and kept in a secret vault in Camp Crame – is titled, “The Cop As Santa Claus: An Idea So Funny That It Deserves A Try.”

Real life experience supports the memorandum too. Christmas traditions prevent us from thinking ill of Santa. How can you not love this rotund figure in fur-trimmed garments bringing a bag of goodies, who introduced us to sleighs and chimneys that we don’t have here anyway, and who makes millions of break-ins in a single night all for the love of children? Santa melts the heart. And our love for him is so strong that we extend it to whoever wears a Santa outfit.

That’s why in various places simultaneously, Santa is pulling Christmas robberies left and right. In one convenience store in the US, Santa did it by just aiming a gun at the cashier and yelling “HO HO HO.” The cashier was reportedly heard saying, “Santa, no need for the gun. Here’s the money and make all the world’s children happy.”

Other forms of robberies pulled by Santa have been reported all around the world. And most of these robberies met the least resistance from the victims, so that they were no longer considered robberies but making rounds for donations. Google it or check out Youtube if you think I’m making this up. Keywords are “I can’t believe I’m searching Santa robberies on the Internet.”

This means, the Santa Cop idea is not a PNP original. In fact, the confidential study mentioned above carries the subhead: “What’s Effective in Robberies Can Be Effective in Police Work Too.” All points considered, the Santa Cop theory is sound enough to be put into practice.

The first to comply with the order was the Regional Police Office 7 about two weeks ago. In a ceremony similar to a sending off of peacekeeping forces to Indonesia, policemen in the region lined up at the PRO 7 grounds to receive their supply of Santa hats and Stork menthol candies.

They were also given ATM-size cards with the Miranda Doctrine printed on them, but with a slight modification to fit the Santa Cop mission: “You have the right to remain silent – HO HO HO – Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law – HO HO HO … “

When you see these policemen in your neighborhood, don’t act surprised. Just laugh.

(sun.star cebu, december 18, 2007, opinion page)