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Posts Tagged ‘babies’

I baptize you in the name of whatever

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

infant-baptismTO MY readers who were just too happy to have not seen this column for the past three consecutive weeks, I’m sorry to tell you that I’m back. I’ve been too busy attending lousy pre-Jordan seminars to remember that I have an obligation to ruin your Tuesdays.

And when I say lousy pre-Jordan seminars, I really mean “lousy” pre-Jordan seminars that ruin most people’s Sundays.

To those who are not familiar with traditional religious practices, a pre-Jordan seminar is a momentous family event that proves true the religious saying that the road to holiness is paved with burden. The way the seminar was handled, it was a really a burden to all of us 130 parents, godparents and infants cramped inside a small room shut tight from the unbaptized world outside. But I will leave it at that.

Our baby is now officially a Christian, and he has to deal with that by himself when he’s old enough to read Aramaic.

The alien has landed

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

pogiAFTER our baby was born at 8:09 p.m. last April 3, Sunday, I now think pregnancy is overrated. So, that was it? Nine months of anticipation, fear, excitement, mood swings, baby blogging and high-folate, low-fat milk, and the baby pops out just like that?

Whatever happened to that dreaded scene of the wife being rushed to the hospital only to give birth in the backseat of a taxicab? Or where’s that romantic scene, if the mother ever makes it to the hospital on time, of husband and wife holding hands and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes as the hugely bloated figure in a maternity dress is wheeled inside the delivery room by a legion of nurses and surgeons and the entire Department of Health?

This was not the movies, so nothing of that sort happened that Sunday. Instead, we were having breakfast at home when the wife said, “Oops, I think I wet my panties.” And I said, “Oh, too much beef loaf. Let’s have corned beef tomorrow.”

Surviving acid rain when you’re pregnant

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

Pregnant-rainbathIF you’ve been following this column the past weeks, you will notice this little Tuesday space we have here has become a sort of repository of my experiences as an expectant father. I didn’t know that until last Sunday, when I bumped into fellow Sun.Star Cebu columnist Mayette Tabada at the mall.

“I follow your baby blog,” Mayette told me. Baby blog! That disturbed me, because I was expecting her to say, “Since when did you start thinking you’re the marrying type?”

Then it hit me. What a disservice this column has been to you, my dear readers. As a columnist in this paper’s Opinion Section, I am supposed to give you my expert’s opinion on what’s going on in the world around us: Libya, Japan, New Zealand, Joavan “The-Son-Of-God” Fernandez, The Fall of Sharon Cuneta, The Showbization of Philippine Football, and Justin “What-Have-We-Done-To-Deserve-Him” Bieber.

Breast milk is best for fathers, too

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

male-breastfeedingI BELONG to the extremely rare type of fathers who get pregnant with their wives. What I mean is that I will be offended if you approach me and say, “When is your wife due?”

If you want to deal with me during these bumpy days of our pre-natal excitement as a couple, the more

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politically correct thing to say would be, “When are you both due?” Because that would mean it’s me and my wife who are pregnant. Cute? Wait till you finish this article.

Call it my Freudian desire to grow a uterus and fallopian tubes. So far, I’ve only succeeded in growing my hair long like a frustrated seductress with limited budget for shampoo. And you know what? I sometimes find myself stuffing a pillow under my shirt to look like I’m eight months pregnant, to the delight of the wife during those boring spiels of her, I mean our, pregnancy.

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