The biggest question the world is facing right now is: Are hamsters rats? The reason we need to ask this question is that the number of people keeping hamsters as pets has increased globally by leaps and bounds. If world leaders take this question for granted, everybody, not just entertainment writers, will start to believe anything the Chinese have to say about the universe being controlled by dumb creatures, like oxen, horses, squids, tapeworms, and yes, rats. And we don’t want that to happen.

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Remember Roy King Cobra? No you don’t, because you only read about overpriced lampposts, and overpriced computers, and minimum wage increases, and the Ban-Tal traffic and those other stories that “really matter.” You don’t have time for topics that have to do with the ubiquitous snake, unless one happens to be holding a public office.

I always have time for things that speak of my deepest fears. And snakes top the list. If I get caught between a relative’s ghost and a dead python, I’d run to the ghost anytime for help. If hell exists, it must be a room full of these scaly, limbless, elongate reptiles slithering through every orifice in a condemned man’s body. Snakes are enough reason to do good on earth.

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