Miss UniverseThe recent Miss Universe pageant showed how some Hollywood stars were outraged by the Philippine Government’s mishandling of the hostage-taking crisis at the Quirino Grandstand. In my extensive, in-depth research, I found out that actor Baldwin-–was it William or Alec or their youngest brother Stephen?–originally wanted to ask Miss Philippines Venus Raj the most profound question in all of Miss Universe history, which is, “If you win the Miss Universe title, what’s your favorite color and why?”

Of course, Miss Raj would have answered, “My favorite color is World Peace,” and she would have ended up victorious and Baldwin (I think it’s William) would have been declared a national hero in the Philippines for making life easy for Miss Raj.

Baldwin (wait, I think it’s Alec), who hasn’t had any hit the past 48 years, prepared the question ten years earlier and was planning to make it his biggest comeback performance, my research said.

But after Whichever Baldwin reportedly saw the funny footages of Manila Police running round a tourist bus like wet, headless chickens he decided the loss of lives wasn’t funny. And he swore to make life difficult for Filipinos by asking Miss Raj the most stupid question that could be asked a beautiful, wholesome 22-year-old girl: “What is one big mistake that you have made in your life and what did you do to make it right?”

The question is an HR staple since HR was introduced to the regular employment industry. I mean, come on. What’s there for a young woman like Venus to regret about in life big time? She’s already done something at such a young age. Me, I was smoking pot when I was 22.

She has a loving family and friends, and the entire Bato, Camarines Sur took a break from whatever they do up there to watch Saint Venus live on TV. And most important of all in the world of showbiz, she enjoys the support of the country’s influential gay community. See those lovely little boys in YouTube screaming their girly lungs out when Miss Raj made it to Top 15? And did you see Miss Raj in bikini? Dude, she’s hot.

Baldwin (I think it’s Stephen) could have asked, “If your father is Indian and your mother is Filipina (which is what your resume says), what’s your favorite subject in high school and how come?” and Venus would have answered it without any double major incident.

My research says Miss Raj lived in a nipa hut made of wood, bamboo and anahaw leaves with no electricity in the middle of a sprawling rice field in the rural Bato town for more than twenty years, and that she used rice paddy dikes to develop her distinct catwalk. But even if she is an anahaw-clad hottie cat-walking down unlit paddy dikes, that doesn’t count for a mistake.

What do we expect? It was not Kris Aquino whom we were sending to the competition, or the whole Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino wouldn’t be big enough to accommodate all the drama in her life. I don’t have anything against Kris. I’m his brother’s number one fan. It’s just that questions like that are best answered by somebody who can hold a global audience for hours by just ranting about gowns and make-ups and all the men that have come and gone in her life while her parents died for the country.

And so Miss Raj’s answer to Baldwin’s question (it’s William, I’m sure now) will go down in beauty pageant history as one of the funnies in the Question Unanswered portion.

By the way, I sometimes catch myself humming “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn,” a power ballad by American hair metal band Poison. But if there’s anything more confusing than Miss Raj’s answer during the pageant, it was Poison vocalist Bret Michael’s bandanna. Or was it Axl Rose doing the silly hosting up there? How these celebrities look the same when they age!

(SUN.STAR CEBU, AUG. 31)