milkshakeDrug users have this amazing talent for coining slang words for their drug experiences. There’s no formal agreement on their usage, no Academy to officially declare “spatula” as slang for any drug that has an officially funny name, like Box of Kittens.

If you don’t know Box of Kittens, it is a drug used as a treatment for cardiovascular disease caused by boredom. Possible side effects include sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction, says Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian of “Scrubs.”

No, there’s no global drug-naming summit of sorts. What drug users do is tell each other, while in their most loaded state, “Hey, there’s this snappers snowbird speedball that I took last month, and I’m still on devils poppers heaven. I think it’s called Gluey the Sticky Phooey.” And the other drug user says, “Yeah, cool. Let’s call it Gluey the Sticky Phooey.” And the name catches on like wildfire until the police launch an investigation to find out if Gluey the Sticky Phooey is not actually a phrase from a Michael Rama speech.

Michael Rama: “In this times of troubled economy, it’s just fitting and proper, in the context of unity, brotherhood and the Cebuano sense of synergy and leveling, that there will be togetherness in making things happen, because in this fleeting world of ours, the forces of evil are strong, like gluey the sticky phooey.”

Take “milkshake” for example. Police are investigating the popularity of “milkshake” among drug users in Barangay Kamagayan. “Milkshake” has killed six drug users in Kamagayan and it is suspected more are dropping dead as we speak. “Cover all angles, leave no stones unturned, for in this fleeting world of ours, even milkshakes can mean death to the dreams of our tomorrow,” Rama told the police.

So the police went to work and found out that: A milkshake is a sweet, cold beverage which is made from milk, ice cream or iced milk, and flavorings or sweeteners such as fruit syrup or chocolate sauce. Milkshakes are usually served in a tall glass with a straw.”

When the investigators stumbled upon this next valuable information, “Creamy Pudding Milkshake, 3/4 cup milk, 1 tablespoon instant vanilla pudding, 2 tablespoons chocolate syrup, 2 scoops vanilla ice cream; directions: Combine all ingredients in

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blender and blend for 20 seconds or until smooth and frothy,” they knew they were going the wrong direction.

Police realized

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they didn’t have to be literal in their investigation; and stumbled upon another priceless information: Milkshake is slang for “a girl’s body and the way she carries it.” Excited, the police dug deeper and found out that: “Milkshake” is a song by American R&B singer Kelis from her third studio album in 2003, Tasty. The song was released as the album’s lead single, and became Kelis’ biggest success to date.

Music, R&B, drugs, there has to be a connection somewhere. So investigators decoded the lyrics: “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, And their like It’s better than yours, Damn right it’s better than yours, I can teach you, But I have to

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charge.”

This could only mean: “My whipped ice dairy drink brings Derek Ramsey and Piolo Pascual to my house, and they discover its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses that of yours. I can give you the recipe, but you have to pay.”

Interpreting the lyrics correctly, police took their investigation to Kamagayan, where they should have started in the first place, instead of Google and Urban Dictionary online. In Kamagayan, drug users taught the investigators how to mix the deadly cocktail drug made from painkillers and methamphetamine.

Then they reported their findings to Rama, who said, “You see? The Cebuano sense of synergy and leveling is actually and in actuality …“ But we’ve run out of space.

SUN.STAR CEBU. JULY 31, 2010.