YOU KNOW Jomari Yllana, right? The man who went warat over Joyce Jimenez and who drank of Mylene Dizon’s milk years back? The actor who got tired of his actress-turned-politician wife in favor of a more richly endowed Ara Mina? And who hasn’t done a movie for four years now but still manages to stay alive by stripping down to his butt in fashion shows and hopping on to the overcrowded telenovela bandwagon? I read somewhere that for Te Amo alone, he’s paid P80,000 a day!

If you know him, the man was right outside my window in the little space I’m renting in Mambaling when I wrote this article. I first thought of writing about a beloved monsignor’s passing, but the sight of this. . . this. . . solid mass of flesh was way too much for my contemplation of a priest’s good deeds and underrated accomplishments.

After all, Jomari is the source of my frustrations. Whenever he appears on TV and some girlfriend beside me screams, “Sheeeet, ka-yummy

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ni Jomariiii,” I call it quits with her. I run home, tear off my clothes, stare at my nakedness in the mirror and say, “Damn you Jomari!”

I’ve shed so many tears, spent so many sleepless nights, lost so many loves because of him. Then suddenly he was right outside my window! Fine, he’s yummy, and I’m me. But did he have to rub it in by having his film shot near my humble abode, and with Ara Mina to boot? I wished there was a scene where Ara Mina is raped by a journalist. I could play rapist for free and have my revenge.

Were it not for the fact that it was a Visayan film they were shooting, I would have gone ballistic over the Tagalog crew’s invasion of my precious bisdak privacy. Enormous props were blocking our garage, production workers were peeing on our orchids, and I loathed hearing Tagalog expletives flying all over my little village called Friendship.

They were shooting Usahay under MLR Films, a new Cebuano production outfit composed of a group of Cebuano businessmen. The script is by a Visayan writer, the award-winning Armando “Bing” Lao. Directing is Jeffrey Jeturian (Tuhog, Pila Balde, Bridal Shower).

Okay, Jeturian is not a Cebuano, but with the way he handled the shoot with class and grace that day, he could well be a Cebuano in a previous life. Ninety-five percent of the film will be shot in Cebu, I heard. Too bad Usahay didn’t make it as entry to the Metro Manila Film Festival in December, unlike another Visayan film Panaghoy sa Suba by Cesar Montano.

Excited by a possible renaissance of Visayan films, I forgot about Jomari and poked around for Usahay’s plot. Here’s what I gathered from the crew: “Isang teacher ang role ni Ara na mai-in love kay Jom na isa namang tourist guide.” That’s basically it. The crew was tired and was looking forward to shooting scenes in Kawasan Falls.

I might tag along. Ara Mina is sure to bare her assets there. That’s where waterfalls are useful to Philippine cinema, right? Wrong. Count on Visayan films to be different, Jomari or no Jomari. Better if no Jomari.

( weekend magazine)