MAYBE I watch too much “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” that I find our own police investigators funny, to be generous with my comments. The more I watch this monster hit of a television series, the more I wish I lived in Miami, New York, or Las Vegas where forensic experts solve crimes in less time than it takes for your evening coffee to get cold.

In this show, everything in the crime scene is a valuable piece of evidence. Every particle of dust, the way the furniture has been moved, the lipstick stain on an empty cup, the way the wind blows to the east, they all say something about the guilty one. Even a burp smells of somebody’s DNA.

You killed a bartender? The cigarette butt you left on the table will expose your identity. You robbed a bank? The CCTV cameras will tell police you’re left-handed, then that will lead them to your identity. You stole a car? Then why did you repaint it pink, your favorite color since high school?

And look at those ultra high-tech gadgets they use in the CSI lab! You don’t have to worry anymore if a scud missile will blow you up into cute, little pieces. Our CSI people will reconstruct your pretty face with the use of the latest intergalactic, non-invasive, chin upgrading, cheekbone realignment equipment imported from Mars.

In CSI, there’s no such thing as a perfect crime. You wonder why crimes remain rampant in CSI cities with these impossibly talented investigators and their impossibly efficient equipment ready to smash alibis to a pulp. Even if it’s only in television, the show should make you think twice before committing a crime. Criminals in Miami, Las Vegas and New York should now be moving their businesses to more crime-friendly cities like Cebu. But we’ll get to that later.

Much as I want to applaud Jerry Bruckheimer Television and CBS Productions for giving us CSI the series, I would have to agree in the criticism of the show’s unrealistic portrayal of police work. There’s no way police work can be that cool, smooth and easy, and glamorous at that. And if female crime suspects look that hot and gorgeous in real police world, I’d be begging my editors now to reassign me back as a police reporter.

And oh my God! Justin Bieber is guesting in a new CSI episode and his character dies! Thank God for CSI!

Anyway, so what’s real police work? Real police work doesn’t use forensic evidence. Real police work doesn’t examine DNA. Real police work means coming up with cartographic sketches of the criminals and arresting people who don’t resemble the drawings at all. Real police work means a criminal can be abducting a six-year-old girl in one place while checking in at a hotel in another, 15 kilometers away.

Real police work means all Caucasians look the same and all their Filipino girlfriends look similarly exotic. Real police work means tagging suspects at random, filing charges against them without sufficient evidence and leaving to the prosecutors the dirty work of announcing that there’s no case at all.

I want my crime drama shows to be this realistic. Welcome to the hottest series in town-–CSI: Cebu.

(SUN.STAR CEBU, FEB. 22, 2011)