chorizoTHE first thing I do upon waking up is turn on the AM radio and listen to the news.

It’s a habit I acquired from my years as reporter covering the police beat. Although I hate it because it interrupts my sleep, it gives me the heads up on what’s the day’s news on a daily basis.

The problem is that at six in the morning, I’m asleep and awake at the same time. This means that sometimes I interpret what I’m hearing on the radio as continuation of an interrupted dream, or nightmare, depending on the news.

Other times, the reports get all mixed up in a chaos of information overload, including commercials. The victim becomes the suspect, the suspect becomes the radio reporter, the radio reporter becomes the mother of the balut vendor whose carabao was stolen by the news anchor who was arrested by the police because the suspect was actually the mother of the reporter who smuggles laundry soap which is available at any sari-sari store near you at a very low, low price, so hurry now, promo ends while supply lasts.

See? But at least, it gives me an idea how the day will proceed at the newsroom.

Yesterday morning was no exception. The news stories fighting for attention were about chorizo and Joavan Fernandez. You know chorizo, right? It’s that spicy pork sausage we all love because its pork intestine casings were washed in the brown waters of Mananga River and hung to dry outdoors for giant flies to feast on, which gives it its distinct spicy-sweet flavor. The chorizo issue is that it is unclean.

And Joavan? He is that guy despised by all peace-loving people this side of the country, who thinks the world revolves around him because he is an adopted son of a mayor who slays his enemies with the prophecies of Isaiah. The Joavan issue is, well, he is at it again, playing Robin Padilla with the police.

So there I was, still curled up in bed, barely awake, jumping from one radio station to another, drowsily listening to interviews of chorizo makers and Joavan’s father, Talisay City Mayor and Catholic faith defender Soc Fernandez.

The following are excerpts:

Reporter: What can you say about the accusations that your chorizo is unclean?

Chorizo maker: All these accusations come from people who are weak in faith. Luke 6:37 says, “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.” My chorizo is clean and innocent. As Romans 14:14 says, “Nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean.” And 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

Reporter: How do you discipline your son Joavan?

Mayor Fernandez: Disciplining my son is a walk in the park. I mix him with 1 kilo of ground pork, including pork fat, 1 spoon salt, 1 spoon brown sugar, 1/4 teaspoon salt pepper, 1/2 teaspoon crushed laurel leaves, 4 cloves of garlic, crushed then minced, etc, etc. I tie one end of the pork intestine casing and fill the casing with the ground pork mixture then I tie the end. To cook, I boil him in 1/2 cup of water on a pan. Water will soon evaporate and then oil will ooze from my sweet little boy.

News anchor: And now let’s pause for a commercial break. As the Book of Proverbs says…

I hate early morning news. I better check what’s for breakfast.