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Archive for April, 2011

How I spent my Holy Week vacation

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

HOLY Week is about taking stock of your spiritual life in the light of Christ’s Passion and Death, so that you will realize what an idiot you’ve been the whole year complaining about the high prices of gasoline while the greatest Man who ever lived had to ride a dumb ass on his way to be ganged up bloody hell in Jerusalem.

Most important of all, Holy Week is about accepting the extremely spiritual truth that from being one of the most highly respected beer-guzzling, guitar-slinging bachelors in the entire Ypil-Ypil St., Friendship Village, Sitio Sinangag, Barangay Basak San Nicolas, Cebu City, Philippines, you are now nothing in the Greater Scheme of Things but a lousy baby poo cleaner.

Yes, you should be ashamed of yourself for giving up The Life in exchange for the anti-beer, anti-cigarette, anti-party career called Fatherhood.

Even Jesus refused to marry! Why did you fail to see that? The Man could have picked a wife from among the gorgeous women surrounding him as He preached, washing his feet, shampooing his hair, bathing Him in perfume, drinking His wine. I read somewhere that the girl Mary Magdalene was a hottie. Oh, the company of sinners!



Tess

Sunday, April 24th, 2011

We met through this song and video. Salamat.



Our God is (not) an online God

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011
Our God is (not) an online God
THIS column is different from the other ones I’ve written because this is Holy Week, and for once let us be serious about ourselves and our purpose here on earth. Therefore, before you read further, I would like to invite you people to pause for a moment, bow your heads in reflection and put yourselves in the presence of… in the presence of the inventor of iConfess.
For cave-dwellers like me, iConfess is an iPhone application to guide Catholics in going through the sacrament of Confession. I would understand if you don’t know what an iPhone is. But if you’re Catholic and until now you still don’t know what the Sacrament of Confession is approximately 2,000 years after it was invented, you will surely rot in hell this very instant. See you there.
Going back, iConfess, which was launched last Februay, “is a comprehensive guidebook and tool for Roman Catholics taking the Sacrament of Confession. It helps the user do a thorough Examination of Conscience in preparation for Confession, and facilitates the remembrance of what to confess to the Priest.”
That’s an official definition I lifted from the website itunes.apple.com. I have to be very careful with definitions here because the last time I used “Molecular Transubstantiation” in one of my write-ups, a Catholic priest with the sense of humor of a doorknob e-mailed me a 2,036-page dissertation saying I’m “The Devil’s Only Begotten Son.” Needless to say, I was flattered.
Going back (again), the people behind iConfess advise us to take careful note of the keywords in the definition: helps, guidebook, tool, preparation, facilitates. Although the Catholic Church has been reported to have embraced iConfess as a modern way of reaching out to the high-end, high-maintenance section of its flock, it strongly warns its 1,166,000,000 members that the app is not and will never be a replacement to the real physical act of physically whispering your sins into the physical ears of a physical priest.
So, how is iConfess useful to the Faith? Please go back to paragraph 3. Look, I’m not tech savvy. I’m even having difficulty accepting “app” as a legitimate word here. And my Twitter account is only a week old. But as an act of penance this Holy Week, I will try.
It’s an electronic book. Let’s say I want to go to confession but I don’t know what this sacrament is all about, I click “Confession,” then I click, “What,” then “Why.” Then I forgot what this thing called “sin” is, so I click “What is Sin.” Then I’m not sure which commandments I’ve been violating these past decades, so I click “Ten Commandments.” Then I remember pouring insecticide into my boss’ coffee last week, and I’m not sure if the dosage was enough to kill him, so I click “7 Deadly Sins.”
Then I will save all my sins in the notepad feature of the app and bring this to the physical confessional box so I can whisper the list into the physical ears of the physical priest, as physically mentioned earlier. The knowledge I have stored in my iPhone will also come in handy in case I’ll find myself debating with the priest about the nonexistence of Limbo.
In short, iConfess is an app designed for the memory-impaired Catholics. And since no Catholic in his right mind will admit that he has the memory of a cauliflower, my safe prediction is that this app will not catch on.
It’s for the same reason that “Confession through SMS” will never work. I once tried texting my confession to a priest, and this was how the exchange transpired:
ME: 4gv me fathr 4 i hav sind. PRIEST: hu u?
See? It wouldn’t work.
(SUN.STAR CEBU, APRIL 19, 2011)
DSC_0744THIS column is different from the other ones I’ve written because this is Holy Week, and for once let us be serious about ourselves and our purpose here on earth. Therefore, before you read further, I would like to invite you people to pause for a moment, bow your heads in reflection and put yourselves in the presence of… in the presence of the inventor of iConfess.

For cave-dwellers like me, iConfess is an iPhone application to guide Catholics in going through the sacrament of Confession. I would understand if you don’t know what an iPhone is. But if you’re

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Catholic and until now you still don’t know what the Sacrament of Confession is approximately 2,000 years after it was invented, you will surely rot in hell this very instant. See you there.

Going back, iConfess, which was launched last Februay, “is a comprehensive guidebook and tool for Roman Catholics taking the Sacrament of Confession. It helps the user do a thorough Examination of Conscience in preparation for Confession, and facilitates the remembrance of what to confess to the Priest.”



God, what have I gotten myself into

Thursday, April 14th, 2011
So that's him. What now, boy?

So that’s him. What now, boy?



The alien has landed

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

pogiAFTER our baby was born at 8:09 p.m. last April 3, Sunday, I now think pregnancy is overrated. So, that was it? Nine months of anticipation, fear, excitement, mood swings, baby blogging and high-folate, low-fat milk, and the baby pops out just like that?

Whatever happened to that dreaded scene of the wife being rushed to the hospital only to give birth in the backseat of a taxicab? Or where’s that romantic scene, if the mother ever makes it to the hospital on time, of husband and wife holding hands and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes as the hugely bloated figure in a maternity dress is wheeled inside the delivery room by a legion of nurses and surgeons and the entire Department of Health?

This was not the movies, so nothing of that sort happened that Sunday. Instead, we were having breakfast at home when the wife said, “Oops, I think I wet my panties.” And I said, “Oh, too much beef loaf. Let’s have corned beef tomorrow.”





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